Grief Pt. 2

Dear Grief,

Please don’t overwhelm me. I have things to do. I can’t be tired or sad. I do not have the time for that. And I still don’t know how to feel. About you, about my father, about anything.

So please, just not now. Give me a few days. It’s only Tuesday.

Thanks,

L

Giving Up

So I’ve thought many times about giving up. I’m sure what that really means though. Gving up on life? Love? Happiness? Fulfillment? Haven’t I given up already since I seem to just be going through the motions?

I don’t know. It’s Lent so it is the season of “giving up”. I’d like to give up a few pounds (ha!) so I’ve quit drinking Coke (again…) now succesfully for five days.

I sometimes wish I could just let go. Let go into nothingness for just a few minutes (months). Because as I might have mentioned before, I’m tired. And now I don’t even have the caffein to help me through the day.

Smiling Grief

Some days, I want to do nothing. I want to look sad and have somebody ask me why I’m sad and I’ll say, “My dad died a month ago.” And they’ll understand – and then leave me alone because no one really likes to hang out with someone as sad as me.

But I smile most days. I act like I’m fine. I do not cry. I go through all the necessary motions, wishing that I had some excuse to break down, some addiction to get me through the day.

But I smile. And unfortunately I can’t carry a big sign that says,

“JUST PRETENDING. GRIEVING AND DEPRESSED.”

So everyone thinks I’m ok. Everyone really wants to believe it. And they don’t really want to know that I’m not.

So I smile.

Nothing to say…

I’m not sure if people that don’t really experience depression think that depression is just about feeling really, really sad.

Trust me… it’s not.

Depression is seductive. It wants you to think that the answer to feeling better is to do nothing.

Depression is about not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, not wanting to shower, change, care. It’s about feeling hungry and not caring enough to get out of bed to get yourself something to eat. It’s about a complete lack of energy and total apathy. It’s about not caring enough to even cry.

I struggle out of bed each morning. I have a son who needs me to care and to fix him food. I struggle to go through the motions because I have a job and a life and goals. I struggle.

And I know I need help. I know I should make the phone call to find someone to talk to. But for now, I really have nothing to say.

Accountability

I told myself I would make no resolutions until after my father passed away. I knew that the week I would be gone would be disastrous for anything I would try to do.

But now the time of resolutions has come. I’m making resolutions this year because I feel like I have stopped caring about many things. I have become lazy about myself and my life and I owe myself more than that.

Because I’ve read that it takes 30 days to form a new habit, I will only work on one resolution a month (or per 30 day period starting on or around the 18th of each month as I am a little late at this whole resolution/habit thing this year).

Part of being successful with a new habit is telling others your intention. So here is this month’s intention:

Exercise at least 10 minutes a day, every day. I’ll tell you how that goes.

My dad 5.30.1946 – 1.5.2009

I am very sad and very overwhelmed with many things to do. I have been in the Dominican Republic since Monday and I will be back in the United States on Sunday. I miss my son, I miss my dad and I miss my innocence. 

See you next week.

Talking

Dad and me

Whenever I’ve gone to a counselor they always say the same thing: “You never talk about your father.”

And I usually don’t.

My dad is a great dad for three year old’s. He’s a lot of fun. Likes to joke around, make faces, do theatrics. Responsibility was never his thing and I’ve had a hard time letting go that he never went to my high school graduation… or my wedding. But he is a fun guy. And a nice guy.

And every time you see the word “is” in the previous paragraph I almost typed “was”. Because my dad really was a fun guy. He might not be so fun anymore because he rarely stands anymore. He’s lost a lot of weight. He doesn’t eat anymore, only drinks glasses of milk when he can keep it down.

I found out at the end of October that my dad has cancer. Colon cancer. I found out five days later that it was Stage IV colon cancer. Inoperable. Vasculerized tumor. Too big, too spread out. My dad is going to die.

It’s been a couple of months. He went from “not feeling well” to “going to die any day now” in two months.

I’ve gone to see him a couple of times. He met Tomas. I had not seen him for two and a half years. I speak to him a couple of times a year. I never called because I never knew what to say. I still don’t.

I find that I talk about my father now more than I ever used to. I never expected to grieve his death. I didn’t think I cared enough. I guess I was wrong.

Learning to Flirt… Again

The elevators in the building where I work are… touchy. Sometimes they decide they are going to go up and instead of down or if I want to get off on my floor (26) it will decide that I really didn’t mean to do that. So I am weary of these possessed elevators. And when someone stops the elevator doors from closing 5 inches before they are about to close, I think, “This is bad elevator karma waiting to happen.”

BUT (Oh and what a BUT this is), a fine brother walks in and apologizes because he hadn’t known anyone was in the elevator. And I think, “Not a problem” in that “I want to eat you for dessert” looking him up and down kind of voice.

But what I actually say is, “Oh, that’s fine.” Then I proceed to try and be funny by saying, “I’ve done that too.” Then I made some caricature attempt of looking like I’m trying to catch an elevator. And I had the man in stitches. He was laughing up a storm with (ok, at) me. But did I once offer a name? Did I once ask his? Was I even a little bit forward? Did I look at his ring finger? NO. Because I’m an idiot. Because I forget that I’m no longer in college anymore and I might never run into this guy again. And granted, this guy might be a tool. I mean, I’m not that funny. But still, hotness without asking for its number?

So I need to learn how to flirt again in a non-work, non-school environment. After I’ve learned flirting, we can move on to dating. But that might take a while.

I can only write what I know

Life has been one big roller coaster lately. I know that I’m prone to writing about things that are about me, but not really because I keep a certain distance from what I write. But lately, I feel inclined to write and share and say too much.

So here is too much.

I can’t say it back. I might never say it back. Because I know what I really want it to mean now, and I can’t ever risk it again, with anybody else. Not those kinds of words.

I’m broken, you see. Maybe I can only say it once and mean it. Maybe I’m too pragmatic or too cold. Maybe I can only say so much and then I shut down.

So I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be mean or a tease (ok, maybe a little… but in a good way) or coy. I like easy and uncomplicated and I’m scared you might be more complicated both for me and for you.

But don’t stop talking to me like you did before. Because then that would be too much to bear.

Haven’t known what to say…

Life has been strange lately. Between illness (both my child’s and my own) and work (which I really wish I could tell you all about because it is HILARIOUS!!) and just general tiredness (HELLO, depression!!) I have not felt much like writing, despite the posts that are already written up by hand (because I do that) and that I do not have the energy to type up.

So here is what we have to look forward to (because if I tell you, I will type it…)

1. Letter to Another Married Man

2. Why the First Week of September Makes me Smile (This is a Mind Rot post)

3. Movie Review: Under that Same Moon

4. Getting my Flirt on (A Dirty Vagina Post)

5. Porn = ick (This is a Dirty Vagina Post with guest writer TBA)

6. On a more biblical theme: The Woman who is Worth More than Rubies (Proverbs 31)

7. The Moral of the Day: Do not hate.

There are more. I will try to post these every other day. So stop by frequently and I will do my best to keep you posted… ha ha.