Just Because

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There is a pause that I have learned to recognize. It is a pause of shame, of embarrassment, of uncertainty, because you don’t know how everyone will react.
There is a pause when you wonder, “Should I trust that this will not be used against me?” When you simply wonder, “Should I trust?”
There is a pause and a trepidation when you begin to utter something that does not define you, but it does sometimes and you cannot completely let go and sometimes it comes back again, and again, and again.
There is a pause because you wonder how others will define you when they know and you wonder, “Who will I be once I say it?”
There is a pause and a shame and a blush and a hope that this time you won’t cry or that you will cry or that you will do something because back then, you did nothing or you did everything and none of it mattered.
There is a pause because once you say it, it is real and you can’t take it back and I’m not ready for it to be real just yet.

Because I don’t like it when my mother reads my blog. And my previous blogger profiles contained my frequently used initials, and my mother being the snoop that she is found it. Because I’m an idiot. So no one initial or link to me for now!! I do not wish to be found by any one but those who already “know” me.