Just Because

This summer I am going to try to read a book a week from Memorial Day to Labor Day. This is a total of 14 books. This time I am going to keep it to a theme. Though there are some slight deviations, spirituality and the practice of spirituality, be it worship or prayer is at the center of many of these books. My hope is to make this a habit and I can pick a topic every summer and become extremely overeducated on certain things. I might change some books if I find that any are impossible to get through. This happened once before with a C.S. Lewis book on religion. I’ll be letting you know how this goes.

I like easy to like music. I like pop-like music. I can listen to Britney Spears and Fiona Apple and Metallica. I can listen to Damien Rice and Tegan and Sara and Psapp. I like Latin Alternative, Rock and Salsa. I like lots of things. I like music that is VERY EASY to like. I buy most top ten selling songs.

For some reason, Norah Jones is not my cup of tea. She writes astoundingly good songs. I want to like them. I really do. I promise. But for some reason I cannot seem to relax when I hear her music. The soft strumming, the easy piano, the airy, jazzy voice… AAAAHHH. It’s like nails on a chalkboard to me. And the lyrics are so nice and I would love to WANT to make love to “Come Away with Me.” Can you imagine? Outside on a cool fall evening with wine and a picnic and Norah Jones serenading us? Wouldn’t it be great?

No, right? It. Would. Suck.

Because Norah, I’m just not that into you. I like a fuller voice with zero breathiness, unless you truly are turned on. Your voice just irritates me. I’m sorry. I really am. Because I so wanted to like you. Everyone else seems to.

Who wants to start a book club?

Anyone?

Anyone?

I’ll figure out the logistics. Email me here.

We’ll read a book once a month, every couple of months. We can even post reviews, conversations, blackmail on our own blogs. It will be FUN.

I believe I know who I am most of the time. I sometimes surprise myself (in a good way) as I mostly expect the worst. Here are a few things about me, on both sides of the good and bad:

1. I have depression. I don’t see a therapist. I should, but I don’t. I don’t take meds. I do better sometimes more than others. This is one of the better times.
2. I am a mom. I don’t know how that happened minus the sex part. The actual being a mom is the surprise. That I feel like a mother and can love my son so incredibly and am continually astounded by him. It’s a scary feeling.
3. About three years ago, I was married and could honestly say that I had not fallen in love. A year later, I had. At least I can say that I loved the father of my child. And now I understand the meaning of monogamy.
4. My marriage made me a worse person. I was a horrible person when I was married. Abusive, crazy, irresponsible, promiscuous, self-destructive. It wasn’t my ex-husband’s fault – it was a great excuse though. I know I am a better person now.
5. I can sing. I’m not that great, but I’m pretty good. I graduated from college with a music major.
6. I love cats and am also allergic to them.
7. I am uncomfortably Christian. It fills me and depresses me all at once. I wish I was a better person and know that even though I’m not, I will be ok. I only wish I was more forgiving.
8. I have great legs. The rest of me is questionable. But I really like my legs.
9. I am an extrovert. However, I can be an extreme introvert when very depressed.
10. I like things that make me look into myself and make me question myself so that I can maybe gather some more insight into myself. Self-awareness is more important than sanity.

There is so much more and I’m sure there are things yet to be discovered.

I’ve exhausted a lot so if anyone else has any ideas I would appreciate it. This is where it can get crazy… just not too crazy.

101 Goals/Resolutions in 1001 Days

May 6, 2008 – February 1, 2011

1. Go back to pre-pregnancy weight.
   
2. Organize my files (and filing system).
   
3. Start (and maintain – for at least a month) a food diary.
   
4. Make a menu plan and stick to it – mostly- for a month.
   
5. Put up my Christmas tree.
   
6. Try one new recipe a month.
   
7. Host a party (not the same as seven course meal).
   
8. Join a dance class.
   
9. Send a letter (a real one, with words and sentences).
   
10. Volunteer… for something. Non-church related.
    
11. Lead something at church.
    
12. Develop a cleaning schedule.
    
13. Stick to it for a month.
    
14. Make my bed for a week.
    
15. Finish organizing the office/exercise area.
    
16. Develop a budget.
    
17. Stick to it (strictly) for a month.
    
18. … Three months.
    
19. Take multi-vitamin daily. (For a month – by then it will be habit.)
    
20. Tithe one month.
    
21. Organize closet in Tomas’s room.
    
22. No dishes in sink by bedtime for 1 week.
    
23. “Learn” lectio-divina.
    
24. Learn about another faith. (Non-Christian)
    
25. Visit other worship service.
    
26. Hang all my pictures.
    
27. Go to Buckingham Fountain (tourist site in Chicago) and watch the night lights show.
    
28. Finish cross-stitch for Tomas.
    
29. Get a gate to finish child-proofing.
    
30. Learn how to play soccer (with Tomas).
    
31. Do a novena.
    
32. Take a vacation (the Dominican Republic does not count… that is visiting family).
    
33. Plant an herb garden, even if it is in my kitchen.
    
34. Blog four times a week at least for six months.
    

So I’ve seen this in other blogs and I thought I’d give it a try, except it is really hard to thinking of 101 goals. Here’s part 1 of 3 and hopefully I’ll be done by Friday.

101 Goals/Resolutions in 1001 Days

May 6, 2008 – February 1, 2011

1. No debt except for student loans.
   
2. Save $3000 ($3/day).
   
3. Not buy anything except food and toiletries for one month.
   
4. Finish my MA.
   
5. Finish my M.Ed.
   
6. Start seeing a spiritual director regularly.
   
7. Create a space for meditation.
   
8. Create a modern hour’s liturgy.
   
9. Start (and regularly update) a devotions blog.
   
10. Spend a week with no internet.
    
11. Spend a week with no TV. (the TV and the internet will not happen in the same week)
    
12. Read the entire bible.
    
13. Make a recipe book.
    
14. Organize photos of Tomas.
    
15. Create database of books I own.
    
16. Get job teaching high school history.
    
17. Run a 5K.
    
18. Run a 10K.
    
19. Run a half-marathon.
    
20. Run a marathon.
    
21. Quit drinking Coca-Cola for at least 30 days (in a row).
    
22. Only eat home cooked meals for one week.
    
23. Take Tomas out to the park at least once every other week during the summer.
    
24. Create a reading time with Tomas.
    
25. Take a swim class for toddlers.
    
26. Start a college savings account.
    
27. Plan a seven course dinner party.
    
28. Finish NaBloPoMo one month.
    
29. Buy a [used] car.
    
30. Do not use paper towels for a month.
    
31. Read a book a week from Memorial Day to Labor Day.
    
32. Go to the Dominican Republic.
    
33. Join a book club.
    

So I have not written much about the fact that I am back at school. Right now, I’m taking one class at a time because I’m lame that way and I did not want to over extend myself. However, no one told me that the future teachers of the United States are considered idiots and cannot handle graduate level coursework and if we want teachers with Masters degrees, then universities must not make the material too hard.

Mind you, I loved my professor last quarter (LOVED… if she wasn’t married I might ask her to marry me) and don’t hate my professor this quarter. I just think the classes are very easy and do not require much work. Class discussion is great, but really, when we get to bash the public school system and comment on how we would improve it then how bad can it be?

Last quarter I took a course on how adolescence was created in order to extend childhood so that there would be more jobs for adults… no really, it was Human Development: Adolescence. But truly, adolescent angst? A myth.

This quarter I am taking Education and Society where we get to talk about the wonders of No Child Left Behind and school structure and how testing is stupid and students are hopeless especially if they are low income. JUST. KIDDING. (sort of)

All in all, the classes are depressing and make me wonder what the hell I’m getting myself into. Oh, yeah, I want to improve the minds of our future generations so that we can slow our destruction of the world. Wish me luck.

According to a professor I talked to recently, I should discuss what I am about to talk about with a therapist in Spanish because it happened in Spanish. I like thinking about these incidents in English because it means I can look at it objectively but that doesn’t really work because somehow I can’t get over it. Somehow, since nothing happened, I should be fine. I should get over it and move on.

Women, kids, men, anyone should trust their instincts. When that man, my dad’s boss, suggested I go inside and read because it’s air conditioned, I should have stayed right where I was. But I didn’t because 50-something year old men DO.NOT. come on to 14 year old girls. In my mind, that was impossible. So off I went to read Sophie’s World. The entire time he was trying to touch me, I just kept thinking, “This isn’t really happening.” I avoided his mouth when he tried to kiss me and I resisted when he tried to take me into a corner. I never once said no. All I could think was that somehow I was misunderstanding what was happening. That I was wrong and he wasn’t trying to have sex with me. How could he want to? He was 50 and I was 14. Bless the person who walked into the office looking for him. I walked out and it was over. Nothing had happened. I was angry at myself because I never said no. So ingrained in me was the idea that grown-ups are never wrong that I couldn’t say no because I couldn’t allow myself to think that this man was trying to do something so vile. But I was ok. I got over it. I was fine.

Fast forward 12 years. I am great friends with this family from church. They have three sons. The wife has been having a difficult time since February because her mother has been very sick. She had to go because her mother was having very risky surgery and was gone for about a week and a half. During that time, I lost my job. I talked to her husband the day I lost my job and we agreed to get together the next day as my son LOVES their three sons. He squeals every time he sees them.

Without warning (looking back, there was some warning, but not the obvious kind) he made a very forward pass… a very physical pass. No prior suggestion that the marriage had problems, no flirting, no weird touching. Just a very sloppy full body press and some awkward attempt at kissing me while I AM HOLDING MY SON and using him as a shield. Did I say no? Of course not! Because then it would have been real. I have worked so hard to make friends and to create a community for my son and me and this a-hole wants to mess that up. I somehow managed to walk away from that situation with “nothing” happening but I was outraged… at myself. How could I not say no? AGAIN? How could that make me feel like I was 14? AGAIN?

I still hang out with that family. I did not say anything to the wife. They have three kids, ages 10, 8 and 5. She’s a stay at home mom. I can clearly see the dysfunction in the family now. But this is the kind of thing where they shoot the messenger. So I hang out with them (I am never alone with him) and I smile at church and I feel ok most of the time. And I know that next time I will force the word NO out of my mouth because I am not 14 anymore and it’s really hard to find an affordable therapist who speaks Spanish.