Just Because

Life has been one big roller coaster lately. I know that I’m prone to writing about things that are about me, but not really because I keep a certain distance from what I write. But lately, I feel inclined to write and share and say too much.

So here is too much.

I can’t say it back. I might never say it back. Because I know what I really want it to mean now, and I can’t ever risk it again, with anybody else. Not those kinds of words.

I’m broken, you see. Maybe I can only say it once and mean it. Maybe I’m too pragmatic or too cold. Maybe I can only say so much and then I shut down.

So I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be mean or a tease (ok, maybe a little… but in a good way) or coy. I like easy and uncomplicated and I’m scared you might be more complicated both for me and for you.

But don’t stop talking to me like you did before. Because then that would be too much to bear.

Life has been strange lately. Between illness (both my child’s and my own) and work (which I really wish I could tell you all about because it is HILARIOUS!!) and just general tiredness (HELLO, depression!!) I have not felt much like writing, despite the posts that are already written up by hand (because I do that) and that I do not have the energy to type up.

So here is what we have to look forward to (because if I tell you, I will type it…)

1. Letter to Another Married Man

2. Why the First Week of September Makes me Smile (This is a Mind Rot post)

3. Movie Review: Under that Same Moon

4. Getting my Flirt on (A Dirty Vagina Post)

5. Porn = ick (This is a Dirty Vagina Post with guest writer TBA)

6. On a more biblical theme: The Woman who is Worth More than Rubies (Proverbs 31)

7. The Moral of the Day: Do not hate.

There are more. I will try to post these every other day. So stop by frequently and I will do my best to keep you posted… ha ha.

I really wanted to be a pastor. I mean, I really want to be a pastor. But I’m not going to be. The reasons are unnecessary. But reality dictates that in the foreseeable future I will not be a pastor.

I will not wear a collar. I will not have an office in a church and be called Rev. anything. I will not get to preach every Sunday or preside over communion or visit anyone in the hospital. I’m glad I’m not doing some of these things. But some days, and most recently, every day, I feel like I’m missing something of myself that I once thought I had figured out. I was going to change the world, one parishioner, one church, one synod, one region, one religious organization at a time.

And now I’m Catholic. And I like being Catholic. But things that matter to me don’t matter to me anymore. Maybe they don’t matter the same way. I mean, God is female, male, not human, whatever but really… whatever. (Though God is definitely NOT  just male.) Women will not be priests in my lifetime. And I’m kind of ok with that. At any rate, I don’t care to fight for it.

But then what do I do with the yearning? The vocation that says, “Change the world.” With the call that says that ministry of some sort is meant to be a part of my life? How do I discern what I am meant to be when I grow up? I’m studying to be a teacher, but really, that can’t be IT. Or JUST IT.

So as I twiddle my thumbs at another job, that better NOT be forever, what do I do? And how do I become ok with the fact that so many other people get to be what they want to be, fancy schmancy title and everything, and I’m not there yet… AGAIN?

Super Nanny (ABC)

Ok, explanation. I have a child. The Nanny has some bright ideas. And besides, I’m comforted by the fact that there are MUCH worse parents out there than me.

90210 – the new edition. (The CW)

I know, I know. But I have to give Brandon and Brenda another chance.

One Tree Hill (The CW)

Ok. Stop mocking me. It’s a big deal that I’m admitting to watching these. I even got old seasons from Netflix. I KNOW. I lost brain cells.

The Bachelorette (ABC)

DeAnna. What can I say about DeAnna?

WHY????????

WHY!!!!!!!

Oh WHY, Did you NOT pick Jason???????

America’s Next Top Model (The CW)

Tyra Banks gets crazier and crazier as each season goes by. And when is the fat girl going to win? Oh yeah, she did. Phew! I can stop watching now.

No, seriously, when you turn the marathons of ANTM on on VH1 or MTV or any channel… YOU. CAN’T. STOP. WATCHING!!!

Gossip Girl (The CW)

I read the book and the characters in the book seemed vapid so I did not expect much better when I watch the show. Ok, so the characters on the TV show are also vapid, HOWEVER, they do appear to have more depth – though how much depth can characters in a soap opera about teenagers have? I have really gotten caught up with the lives of Serena and Dan and Blaire and yes, even scummy old Chuck.

Workout (Bravo)

It’s the Lesbian thing.

The L Word

And now if someone could tell me where all the HOT lesbians in Chicago live…

You’d never be able to tell that this kid was sick at the time this photo was taken. But he was. And it was horrible.

The end.