Just Because

Dear Grief,

Please don’t overwhelm me. I have things to do. I can’t be tired or sad. I do not have the time for that. And I still don’t know how to feel. About you, about my father, about anything.

So please, just not now. Give me a few days. It’s only Tuesday.

Thanks,

L

So I’ve thought many times about giving up. I’m sure what that really means though. Gving up on life? Love? Happiness? Fulfillment? Haven’t I given up already since I seem to just be going through the motions?

I don’t know. It’s Lent so it is the season of “giving up”. I’d like to give up a few pounds (ha!) so I’ve quit drinking Coke (again…) now succesfully for five days.

I sometimes wish I could just let go. Let go into nothingness for just a few minutes (months). Because as I might have mentioned before, I’m tired. And now I don’t even have the caffein to help me through the day.

Some days, I want to do nothing. I want to look sad and have somebody ask me why I’m sad and I’ll say, “My dad died a month ago.” And they’ll understand – and then leave me alone because no one really likes to hang out with someone as sad as me.

But I smile most days. I act like I’m fine. I do not cry. I go through all the necessary motions, wishing that I had some excuse to break down, some addiction to get me through the day.

But I smile. And unfortunately I can’t carry a big sign that says,

“JUST PRETENDING. GRIEVING AND DEPRESSED.”

So everyone thinks I’m ok. Everyone really wants to believe it. And they don’t really want to know that I’m not.

So I smile.