Just Because

Georgia O’Keeffe, American 1887 – 1986
Jack-in-the-Pulpit No. IV, 1930

Do we all have a self-destructive side?

I have a whole self-destructive era. I started making out with many different guys – while dating, then engaged, then married. And I would vow to stop. Because of God, myself, my damned soul, or whatever other crap motivation I could come up with. But I never stopped. And I don’t know if it was a symptom of the relationship I was in or if it was because I was just too screwed up to keep myself faithful. At the time, it was probably a little bit of both. Somehow, with the help of a man and a child, my self-loathing and destructive self seemed to go away.

Recently, though, Ms. Self-Destruct has been rearing her ugly (yet exciting) head. Older, married man might have something to do with it. Don’t get me wrong. I will never sleep with him. I do not even think about sleeping with him now. However it bothers me that he would think that I would sleep with him. Because three years ago? I might have slept with him. I loathed myself that much. And three years ago, I did sleep with an older, married guy. YES, I was THAT skank. But now, I’m not the same person anymore. I’m a better, much nicer person. I believe in love, life and the pursuit of happiness. I know I can have genuine feelings for someone. I don’t want to have sex with just any-body.

But I’m feeling lonely and frustrated.

And scribe won’t return his phone calls.

And I think back to my smokin’, drinkin’, love lots of people days and I wonder if maybe I did have more fun back then. Actually, I know I did have more fun. But I didn’t like myself much back then. And I’m much more ok with who I am now. So I just have to redefine fun.

And scribe needs to call me back.

Dear Older Married Man,

I’ve been trying to think of a nice, indirect way of saying this for some time now. But I can’t be indirect about this any longer. I will try to be nice.

No, you can’t come over. Not to watch a movie or to just hang out. I’m sorry it has to be this way but I really don’t want to sleep with you and we both know that when you ask to come over, for whatever reason, that is not what you are really asking.

If you did not want to sleep with me and had not taken every available alone moment to make a pass at me even though I have been very clear in my lack of sexual interest in you, I think I might like you. I definitely like your wife. She’s very nice to me. And so are you, but we both know the reason why you are being so nice. So let me be clear one more time. I. AM. NOT. AVAILABLE. TO. YOU. (or any other older married man)

I’m sorry if this disrupts your “have-sex-with-only-single-girl-I-have-conversations-with-and-who-is-good-friends-with-my-WIFE” plans.

Just so you know, I was never going to have sex with you. Now I can say whatever I want because I had to tell you to stop hugging me – like that- and that you were making me very uncomfortable. I thought that maybe we could be friends and you could get past this silly infatuation. But you keep calling and keep insinuating. And I really need that to stop.

So, thanks, for giving me a voice and allowing me the opportunity to say a very loud and clear NO, many, many, many times. It’s been a great lesson. We’ll talk again when your wife and kids are back. I like you better when they are here.

Sincerely,

Just Because

P.S. Really, no.

As June 1st approached I was confronted daily with thoughts of my failure. My failure as a wife. June 1st is – well, was my wedding anniversary.

I was a lovely bride. I wore a stunning gown. I wish I could wear it again. (But it would be tacky to wear it again – right?) My husband was a lovely groom. We were a lovely couple.

And we failed.

I was a horrible wife. Compromise does not sit well with me. Monogamy also did not sit well with me. I was not a happy wife. I was not promiscuous. I did not sleep around. But I was not faithful. So I failed.

My husband failed in his own way but it is not my place to display for all of you what his failures were. He, despite them, is a good man – just not the right man for me. And I was not a good wife for him.

Marriage still terrifies me, especially after my three year failure. Divorce is legally easy with no children and no assets. Emotionally, it can be hell. I have moved on. I stopped loving my husband that way long before we separated. I know it was the best thing for us. He is dating now. I am a mother now. We have moved on.

But I still feel like a failure. I know I will try not to make the same mistakes if I ever chose to get married again. I know myself better and what I want (and need). I understand monogamy now and prefer it. I have a child now so my priorities have changed.

But what still hits me every year is the sense of failure.

Confession whether in the Roman Catholic church or any church has more to do with the confessing person’s ability to forgive themselves or forgive others rather than the idea that we need God’s forgiveness. I wish to ask my forgiveness – for not loving him enough and marrying him anyway. For yelling, not forgiving -and giving up. For cheating rather than confronting what I felt we lacked. For my sense of entitlement and my self-righteousness. For eventually not caring and being afraid to end it when it really stopped working. I’m sorry. Please, forgive me.

According to a professor I talked to recently, I should discuss what I am about to talk about with a therapist in Spanish because it happened in Spanish. I like thinking about these incidents in English because it means I can look at it objectively but that doesn’t really work because somehow I can’t get over it. Somehow, since nothing happened, I should be fine. I should get over it and move on.

Women, kids, men, anyone should trust their instincts. When that man, my dad’s boss, suggested I go inside and read because it’s air conditioned, I should have stayed right where I was. But I didn’t because 50-something year old men DO.NOT. come on to 14 year old girls. In my mind, that was impossible. So off I went to read Sophie’s World. The entire time he was trying to touch me, I just kept thinking, “This isn’t really happening.” I avoided his mouth when he tried to kiss me and I resisted when he tried to take me into a corner. I never once said no. All I could think was that somehow I was misunderstanding what was happening. That I was wrong and he wasn’t trying to have sex with me. How could he want to? He was 50 and I was 14. Bless the person who walked into the office looking for him. I walked out and it was over. Nothing had happened. I was angry at myself because I never said no. So ingrained in me was the idea that grown-ups are never wrong that I couldn’t say no because I couldn’t allow myself to think that this man was trying to do something so vile. But I was ok. I got over it. I was fine.

Fast forward 12 years. I am great friends with this family from church. They have three sons. The wife has been having a difficult time since February because her mother has been very sick. She had to go because her mother was having very risky surgery and was gone for about a week and a half. During that time, I lost my job. I talked to her husband the day I lost my job and we agreed to get together the next day as my son LOVES their three sons. He squeals every time he sees them.

Without warning (looking back, there was some warning, but not the obvious kind) he made a very forward pass… a very physical pass. No prior suggestion that the marriage had problems, no flirting, no weird touching. Just a very sloppy full body press and some awkward attempt at kissing me while I AM HOLDING MY SON and using him as a shield. Did I say no? Of course not! Because then it would have been real. I have worked so hard to make friends and to create a community for my son and me and this a-hole wants to mess that up. I somehow managed to walk away from that situation with “nothing” happening but I was outraged… at myself. How could I not say no? AGAIN? How could that make me feel like I was 14? AGAIN?

I still hang out with that family. I did not say anything to the wife. They have three kids, ages 10, 8 and 5. She’s a stay at home mom. I can clearly see the dysfunction in the family now. But this is the kind of thing where they shoot the messenger. So I hang out with them (I am never alone with him) and I smile at church and I feel ok most of the time. And I know that next time I will force the word NO out of my mouth because I am not 14 anymore and it’s really hard to find an affordable therapist who speaks Spanish.

It’s not that many or at least they will not all be included…

1. The Junior High Crush – He and I never really dated. We went steady for a month in 6th grade, then made out off and on all through high school. I was the girl he cheated on his girlfriends with. Yeah, I was THAT girl.

2. The High School Crush – He and I also never really dated. We just made out very heavily and almost… but never really and was the only guy to ever cut things off with me. He’s the one “What if?” but if what if ever happened, I’d want to crush his heart into a million pieces. But I’m over it.

3. The Best Friend – I found out that the sex was HORRIBLE. I’m done.

4. The Soul Mate – But not. My first, his first. And then I became an evil bitch and dumped him. The End.

5. The Ex-Husband – Yeah… My ???, his first. And then I became an evil bitch and dumped him after three years of marriage, making me a more evil and devious bitch. The End.

6. The Baby-Daddy – Can anybody say rebound?

And who knows what the future may hold?