Just Because

Georgia O’Keeffe, American 1887 – 1986
Jack-in-the-Pulpit No. IV, 1930

Do we all have a self-destructive side?

I have a whole self-destructive era. I started making out with many different guys – while dating, then engaged, then married. And I would vow to stop. Because of God, myself, my damned soul, or whatever other crap motivation I could come up with. But I never stopped. And I don’t know if it was a symptom of the relationship I was in or if it was because I was just too screwed up to keep myself faithful. At the time, it was probably a little bit of both. Somehow, with the help of a man and a child, my self-loathing and destructive self seemed to go away.

Recently, though, Ms. Self-Destruct has been rearing her ugly (yet exciting) head. Older, married man might have something to do with it. Don’t get me wrong. I will never sleep with him. I do not even think about sleeping with him now. However it bothers me that he would think that I would sleep with him. Because three years ago? I might have slept with him. I loathed myself that much. And three years ago, I did sleep with an older, married guy. YES, I was THAT skank. But now, I’m not the same person anymore. I’m a better, much nicer person. I believe in love, life and the pursuit of happiness. I know I can have genuine feelings for someone. I don’t want to have sex with just any-body.

But I’m feeling lonely and frustrated.

And scribe won’t return his phone calls.

And I think back to my smokin’, drinkin’, love lots of people days and I wonder if maybe I did have more fun back then. Actually, I know I did have more fun. But I didn’t like myself much back then. And I’m much more ok with who I am now. So I just have to redefine fun.

And scribe needs to call me back.