Just Because

I believe I know who I am most of the time. I sometimes surprise myself (in a good way) as I mostly expect the worst. Here are a few things about me, on both sides of the good and bad:

1. I have depression. I don’t see a therapist. I should, but I don’t. I don’t take meds. I do better sometimes more than others. This is one of the better times.
2. I am a mom. I don’t know how that happened minus the sex part. The actual being a mom is the surprise. That I feel like a mother and can love my son so incredibly and am continually astounded by him. It’s a scary feeling.
3. About three years ago, I was married and could honestly say that I had not fallen in love. A year later, I had. At least I can say that I loved the father of my child. And now I understand the meaning of monogamy.
4. My marriage made me a worse person. I was a horrible person when I was married. Abusive, crazy, irresponsible, promiscuous, self-destructive. It wasn’t my ex-husband’s fault – it was a great excuse though. I know I am a better person now.
5. I can sing. I’m not that great, but I’m pretty good. I graduated from college with a music major.
6. I love cats and am also allergic to them.
7. I am uncomfortably Christian. It fills me and depresses me all at once. I wish I was a better person and know that even though I’m not, I will be ok. I only wish I was more forgiving.
8. I have great legs. The rest of me is questionable. But I really like my legs.
9. I am an extrovert. However, I can be an extreme introvert when very depressed.
10. I like things that make me look into myself and make me question myself so that I can maybe gather some more insight into myself. Self-awareness is more important than sanity.

There is so much more and I’m sure there are things yet to be discovered.

According to a professor I talked to recently, I should discuss what I am about to talk about with a therapist in Spanish because it happened in Spanish. I like thinking about these incidents in English because it means I can look at it objectively but that doesn’t really work because somehow I can’t get over it. Somehow, since nothing happened, I should be fine. I should get over it and move on.

Women, kids, men, anyone should trust their instincts. When that man, my dad’s boss, suggested I go inside and read because it’s air conditioned, I should have stayed right where I was. But I didn’t because 50-something year old men DO.NOT. come on to 14 year old girls. In my mind, that was impossible. So off I went to read Sophie’s World. The entire time he was trying to touch me, I just kept thinking, “This isn’t really happening.” I avoided his mouth when he tried to kiss me and I resisted when he tried to take me into a corner. I never once said no. All I could think was that somehow I was misunderstanding what was happening. That I was wrong and he wasn’t trying to have sex with me. How could he want to? He was 50 and I was 14. Bless the person who walked into the office looking for him. I walked out and it was over. Nothing had happened. I was angry at myself because I never said no. So ingrained in me was the idea that grown-ups are never wrong that I couldn’t say no because I couldn’t allow myself to think that this man was trying to do something so vile. But I was ok. I got over it. I was fine.

Fast forward 12 years. I am great friends with this family from church. They have three sons. The wife has been having a difficult time since February because her mother has been very sick. She had to go because her mother was having very risky surgery and was gone for about a week and a half. During that time, I lost my job. I talked to her husband the day I lost my job and we agreed to get together the next day as my son LOVES their three sons. He squeals every time he sees them.

Without warning (looking back, there was some warning, but not the obvious kind) he made a very forward pass… a very physical pass. No prior suggestion that the marriage had problems, no flirting, no weird touching. Just a very sloppy full body press and some awkward attempt at kissing me while I AM HOLDING MY SON and using him as a shield. Did I say no? Of course not! Because then it would have been real. I have worked so hard to make friends and to create a community for my son and me and this a-hole wants to mess that up. I somehow managed to walk away from that situation with “nothing” happening but I was outraged… at myself. How could I not say no? AGAIN? How could that make me feel like I was 14? AGAIN?

I still hang out with that family. I did not say anything to the wife. They have three kids, ages 10, 8 and 5. She’s a stay at home mom. I can clearly see the dysfunction in the family now. But this is the kind of thing where they shoot the messenger. So I hang out with them (I am never alone with him) and I smile at church and I feel ok most of the time. And I know that next time I will force the word NO out of my mouth because I am not 14 anymore and it’s really hard to find an affordable therapist who speaks Spanish.