Just Because

I’m not sure if people that don’t really experience depression think that depression is just about feeling really, really sad.

Trust me… it’s not.

Depression is seductive. It wants you to think that the answer to feeling better is to do nothing.

Depression is about not wanting to get out of bed in the morning, not wanting to shower, change, care. It’s about feeling hungry and not caring enough to get out of bed to get yourself something to eat. It’s about a complete lack of energy and total apathy. It’s about not caring enough to even cry.

I struggle out of bed each morning. I have a son who needs me to care and to fix him food. I struggle to go through the motions because I have a job and a life and goals. I struggle.

And I know I need help. I know I should make the phone call to find someone to talk to. But for now, I really have nothing to say.

The elevators in the building where I work are… touchy. Sometimes they decide they are going to go up and instead of down or if I want to get off on my floor (26) it will decide that I really didn’t mean to do that. So I am weary of these possessed elevators. And when someone stops the elevator doors from closing 5 inches before they are about to close, I think, “This is bad elevator karma waiting to happen.”

BUT (Oh and what a BUT this is), a fine brother walks in and apologizes because he hadn’t known anyone was in the elevator. And I think, “Not a problem” in that “I want to eat you for dessert” looking him up and down kind of voice.

But what I actually say is, “Oh, that’s fine.” Then I proceed to try and be funny by saying, “I’ve done that too.” Then I made some caricature attempt of looking like I’m trying to catch an elevator. And I had the man in stitches. He was laughing up a storm with (ok, at) me. But did I once offer a name? Did I once ask his? Was I even a little bit forward? Did I look at his ring finger? NO. Because I’m an idiot. Because I forget that I’m no longer in college anymore and I might never run into this guy again. And granted, this guy might be a tool. I mean, I’m not that funny. But still, hotness without asking for its number?

So I need to learn how to flirt again in a non-work, non-school environment. After I’ve learned flirting, we can move on to dating. But that might take a while.

Life has been one big roller coaster lately. I know that I’m prone to writing about things that are about me, but not really because I keep a certain distance from what I write. But lately, I feel inclined to write and share and say too much.

So here is too much.

I can’t say it back. I might never say it back. Because I know what I really want it to mean now, and I can’t ever risk it again, with anybody else. Not those kinds of words.

I’m broken, you see. Maybe I can only say it once and mean it. Maybe I’m too pragmatic or too cold. Maybe I can only say so much and then I shut down.

So I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be mean or a tease (ok, maybe a little… but in a good way) or coy. I like easy and uncomplicated and I’m scared you might be more complicated both for me and for you.

But don’t stop talking to me like you did before. Because then that would be too much to bear.

I’ve decided.

I’m switching back to WordPress. I’m not sure why when I changed, why I went back to blogger. But I hate it. It gives me gas.

I will post my new address here so there should be little confusion to finding me… CR…

Who wants to start a book club?

Anyone?

Anyone?

I’ll figure out the logistics. Email me here.

We’ll read a book once a month, every couple of months. We can even post reviews, conversations, blackmail on our own blogs. It will be FUN.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

– Jelaluddin Rumi,
translation by Coleman Barks

1. What are the Ides of March?

   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ides_of_March

    

2. How does one celebrate the Ides of March?

    

   http://www.wikihow.com/Celebrate-the-Ides-of-March

1. Can I get a full copy of Shakespeare’s Julius Cesar online?

   Why yes, yes you can.

1. Food from home (as in the Dominican Republic)

There is a restaurant here in Chicago that serves Dominican food called Punta Cana. It’s great!

2. Thai food

Again, it involves rice… I love rice. White, no-nutritional value rice.

3. Italian food

Again, it involves carbs. White pasta… yummo.