Spiritual Direction

I would have graduated from seminary this year – had I not gotten divorced. I would have graduated next year if I had not gotten pregnant. I’m responsible for my own actions so I’m not sad that I’m not a pastor right this moment and that I probably never will be a pastor. I’m actually quite ok with all of that. I just know that being in seminary and wanting to be a pastor kept me accountable to my spirituality. I let myself go when I stop paying attention, where there isn’t anybody there to remind me.

One of my problems, which I might have mentioned before, is my need to perfect everything that I do. So if I plan on praying, then I need to be a perfect prayer. Of course, that is not going to happen. No one prays “perfectly”. There really isn’t any need to. But I want to pray perfectly.

So I don’t pray because it cannot be perfect. And I feel the distance between God and me and my consciousness and the world around me.

I’m also one of those people that need to fix whatever is wrong. So I called the senior priest at my church wanting to find somebody to talk to. When I had been in seminary I had a spiritual director and she was wonderful though this time I was determined to find somebody who would teach me to pray perfectly. Because I felt an immediate need to speak to someone I agreed to meet with him thinking he was not a viable option as a permanent spiritual director. And really, I didn’t think a man would do.

Maybe it will work out though. The conversation we had was wonderful. However, I don’t think he will teach me to pray perfectly. But that’s ok because I don’t think that is ever the point, regardless of what I keep thinking I want. Maybe it might not still work out depending on how our conversation goes regarding what I think about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But for now, Fr. B seems like a nice, old guy that challenges me and makes me a bit uncomfortable with his piercing questions and honest opinions. And after that meeting I felt peaceful. Maybe I’m finally accepting the path that I am on. We’ll see.