A Sense of Wonder

I’m trying to read the Bible in its entirety. Even the uncomfortable parts. Even the “OMG. No He didn’t!!” parts.

However, I am having a hard time getting past the first chapter. Genesis 1:1 -2:1 It’s the first Creation story presented in the Bible. My (soon to be) spiritual director suggested that I read this and think about how God might have felt as God “created” me.

I remember how I felt when I realized my son had been conceived. After the initial, “No, No, No, NO!” which had more to do with how much my life was going to change, I remember a sense of wonder. I remember how much I wanted a child and then how much I wanted this child. As if this child been chosen for me. As if this was meant to be, that no matter what this child was wonderful. I thought of the verse from Jeremiah chapter 1,”Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart…” (v. 5a) or Psalm 139, “For it was you who formed my inward parts; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. ¹⁴I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”

And it stuns me that God or anyone would feel that way about me. We all know the sense of joy and wonder that can come with the birth of child. Can you imagine that someone (maybe many someones) felt that way about our births? Those feelings of joy and happiness and delight, because we were created, formed and brought forth.

As weary as I am these days, it’s a hard thing for me to imagine. So I read and re-read the “God saw that it was good…” creation story and I try to imagine being one of those things that God created and God being filled with a sense of wonder and delight and looking down on me and saying, “I have created Laura and she is good.”

The Dirty Vagina Chronicles: Ms. Self-Destruct

Georgia O’Keeffe, American 1887 – 1986
Jack-in-the-Pulpit No. IV, 1930

Do we all have a self-destructive side?

I have a whole self-destructive era. I started making out with many different guys – while dating, then engaged, then married. And I would vow to stop. Because of God, myself, my damned soul, or whatever other crap motivation I could come up with. But I never stopped. And I don’t know if it was a symptom of the relationship I was in or if it was because I was just too screwed up to keep myself faithful. At the time, it was probably a little bit of both. Somehow, with the help of a man and a child, my self-loathing and destructive self seemed to go away.

Recently, though, Ms. Self-Destruct has been rearing her ugly (yet exciting) head. Older, married man might have something to do with it. Don’t get me wrong. I will never sleep with him. I do not even think about sleeping with him now. However it bothers me that he would think that I would sleep with him. Because three years ago? I might have slept with him. I loathed myself that much. And three years ago, I did sleep with an older, married guy. YES, I was THAT skank. But now, I’m not the same person anymore. I’m a better, much nicer person. I believe in love, life and the pursuit of happiness. I know I can have genuine feelings for someone. I don’t want to have sex with just any-body.

But I’m feeling lonely and frustrated.

And scribe won’t return his phone calls.

And I think back to my smokin’, drinkin’, love lots of people days and I wonder if maybe I did have more fun back then. Actually, I know I did have more fun. But I didn’t like myself much back then. And I’m much more ok with who I am now. So I just have to redefine fun.

And scribe needs to call me back.

NEW: The Mind Rot Segment

I love pop culture much to the dismay of my brain cells. I could discuss the most recent break ups and hook ups of Hollywood with ease (you go, Salma!!). I watch teeny-bopper movies and TV shows. If I don’t actually see it, I’ll probably know about it. And I’m not talking about the serious, drama, independent movies (though I know some about those as well). I particularly enjoy the teenage angst driven pop that is so contrived it makes Spanish-speaking soap operas look realistic.

I read Cosmo and Glamour and the like. I check People.com on a daily (if not hourly) basis. What might make me better than your typical pop culture hungry person (because I need to somehow redeem myself in your eyes) is that I am quite aware of my pop culture addiction and can be very self-derogatory about it. So, no worries. I am aware of how ridiculous I sound. And I make fun of myself for this often.

And because I feel the need to not only demean myself, I would also like to be ridiculed by others in a public forum. OFTEN. So, with no further ado, this pop loving and quite en vogue blogger brings to you a new segment:

MIND ROT… Because if drugs and alcohol don’t rot your mind, pop culture certainly will.

(A new segment of Mind Rot will appear every Saturday…)

Letter to Older Married Man

Dear Older Married Man,

I’ve been trying to think of a nice, indirect way of saying this for some time now. But I can’t be indirect about this any longer. I will try to be nice.

No, you can’t come over. Not to watch a movie or to just hang out. I’m sorry it has to be this way but I really don’t want to sleep with you and we both know that when you ask to come over, for whatever reason, that is not what you are really asking.

If you did not want to sleep with me and had not taken every available alone moment to make a pass at me even though I have been very clear in my lack of sexual interest in you, I think I might like you. I definitely like your wife. She’s very nice to me. And so are you, but we both know the reason why you are being so nice. So let me be clear one more time. I. AM. NOT. AVAILABLE. TO. YOU. (or any other older married man)

I’m sorry if this disrupts your “have-sex-with-only-single-girl-I-have-conversations-with-and-who-is-good-friends-with-my-WIFE” plans.

Just so you know, I was never going to have sex with you. Now I can say whatever I want because I had to tell you to stop hugging me – like that- and that you were making me very uncomfortable. I thought that maybe we could be friends and you could get past this silly infatuation. But you keep calling and keep insinuating. And I really need that to stop.

So, thanks, for giving me a voice and allowing me the opportunity to say a very loud and clear NO, many, many, many times. It’s been a great lesson. We’ll talk again when your wife and kids are back. I like you better when they are here.

Sincerely,

Just Because

P.S. Really, no.

Spiritual Direction

I would have graduated from seminary this year – had I not gotten divorced. I would have graduated next year if I had not gotten pregnant. I’m responsible for my own actions so I’m not sad that I’m not a pastor right this moment and that I probably never will be a pastor. I’m actually quite ok with all of that. I just know that being in seminary and wanting to be a pastor kept me accountable to my spirituality. I let myself go when I stop paying attention, where there isn’t anybody there to remind me.

One of my problems, which I might have mentioned before, is my need to perfect everything that I do. So if I plan on praying, then I need to be a perfect prayer. Of course, that is not going to happen. No one prays “perfectly”. There really isn’t any need to. But I want to pray perfectly.

So I don’t pray because it cannot be perfect. And I feel the distance between God and me and my consciousness and the world around me.

I’m also one of those people that need to fix whatever is wrong. So I called the senior priest at my church wanting to find somebody to talk to. When I had been in seminary I had a spiritual director and she was wonderful though this time I was determined to find somebody who would teach me to pray perfectly. Because I felt an immediate need to speak to someone I agreed to meet with him thinking he was not a viable option as a permanent spiritual director. And really, I didn’t think a man would do.

Maybe it will work out though. The conversation we had was wonderful. However, I don’t think he will teach me to pray perfectly. But that’s ok because I don’t think that is ever the point, regardless of what I keep thinking I want. Maybe it might not still work out depending on how our conversation goes regarding what I think about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit. But for now, Fr. B seems like a nice, old guy that challenges me and makes me a bit uncomfortable with his piercing questions and honest opinions. And after that meeting I felt peaceful. Maybe I’m finally accepting the path that I am on. We’ll see.

If everyone else is doing it…

1) One movie made you laugh?

Godzilla – the remake… It was so wrong. I laughed the whole way through. No one told me it was a comedy!!!

2) One movie that made you cry?

I know I’m going to get a lot of flak for this one but I don’t care. City of Angels – I saw it in the movie theatre and I burst into tears when Meg Ryan’s character dies. Sorry if I ruined it for anyone. I DON’T CARE. I think I’m crying now.

3) One movie you loved as a child.

Ummmm… The Lion King? I wasn’t really a child but it’s a kid’s movie. Does that count?

4) One movie you have you seen more than once

When Harry Met Sally – Too many times to count.

5) One movie you are embarrassed to admit to seeing

Sydney White – yes, that Amanda Bynes movie… Don’t know who I’m talking about? Good.

6) One movie you hated

The Incredibles. I couldn’t even finish watching it. And to say that I actively hate that movie isn’t true, but I just couldn’t watch it. It irritated me.

7) One movie that scared you.

Nightmare on Elm Street. This movie confirmed for me that I should never watch these kinds of movies.

8 ) One movie that bored you:

Dreamgirls. It had such a slow storylines. The lead-ups to the songs were SO ridiculous.

9) One movie that made you happy:

When Harry Met Sally. Though I disagree with Harry – Men and women can be friends. I just ignore whatever lust they might feel for me. 😛
10) One movie that made you miserable:

El Crimen del Padre Amaro – worth watching but so sad.

11) One movie you were brave enough to see:

Nightmare on Elm Street – And it was the TV version.

12) One movie character you fell in love with.

Thomas Crown… the new Pierce Brosnan Thomas Crown. So tortured… please let me heal you.

13) Last movie you saw on the big screen:

Sex and the City

14) Next movie you want to see on the big screen:

The Dark Knight

I give up

I’ve decided.

I’m switching back to WordPress. I’m not sure why when I changed, why I went back to blogger. But I hate it. It gives me gas.

I will post my new address here so there should be little confusion to finding me… CR…